Part of Who I Am

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I wish I could say this will be about my writing process or successes. I actually have no news in that area, unfortunately (if you don’t count that I am still in the trenches of my paranormal YA rewrite, and that I will be attending Colorado Gold (writing conference) again this September–where, after much deliberation, I have decided to pitch Hemlock Veils to the head of a very promising publishing company, mostly to open a discussion about why publishers don’t typically commit to republish a story that has previously been published with a different publisher, but then rights got reverted).

But that is beside the point. Today, I need to declare something. I need to share an aspect of my life that has become my life in recent years. I need to be honest, with myself, mostly. I started typing this as a mere Instagram post. But then when it stopped me at the character count limit, and I still had so much more to say, I realized this particular line of thoughts–which I desire to share with the entire world–should instead be a blog post.

A permanent fixture on this website that is all about me.

Sure, it’s about Jennie Ritz, the author. But even the author part of me is greatly affected by this. It is, in every aspect, part of who I am.

For the past 15-ish hours, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my illness.

My disease.

*releases breath*

I didn’t even know ME was a technical disease until I first heard of its official medical name (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) about four years or so ago. Yet I’ve had it ever since I was 15 (for 21 years). This condition the CDC now recognizes as a real, actual illness/disease, affects millions of people—all of whom would show abnormalities in their genetic testing, if they were to get any done (or so the ever-evolving research says).

A disease. A new disease (only been a thing for 25-ish years), but a disease nonetheless. Before, when I was first diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (before being known as ME, it was a mystery condition called CFS–a diagnosis sometimes handed out when doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with their patients, and everything else had been ruled out), the medical community’s semi-recognition of CFS—thoroughly fueled by eye-rolls—was lacking and insulting. But, it had been rumored as a possible condition for only four years at that time.

Which means I was quickly made out to either be 1) a complete mystery no one wanted to solve, or 2) a joke—a hypochondriac making up symptoms that may have been true in her own head, but that were not true in reality.

It was so crippling. To say the least.

So, after two years, I buried it and pushed through, pretended I didn’t have it. I never spoke of it, never mentioned it in my medical history, in any situation, etc. I know what some people thought of it (even people whose opinions I actually cared about). So, my brain said, I would rather be viewed as weak, than be viewed as a joke. And view me as weak, they did.

Even while at my fittest, healthiest spot in life (between ages 27 and 30), when I was running every day and kicking ass, I couldn’t do as much as normal people. If I was a normal person, I would have been running five miles every day, rather than the normal one to two (It took a very long time for me to be able to go even that far). I didn’t have the endurance of my partner and peers, despite being healthy and in the best shape of my life. I still had very low limits, and dealt with PEM (post-exertional malaise) from time to time. And therefore, I was viewed, by some very close people in my life, as weak.

Non-sporty. Lazy. No drive or endurance.

Thinking of this now fuels me with so much eye-burning injustice–especially because now, I can admit to myself the truth: that I endure and fight harder than most [expletive] people, and always have. Never again will I believe those lies, even if it’s my own brain telling me them–my own brain falling into old habits and listening to the ghosts of old memories.

Anyway. I didn’t even admit to myself again that I had it until I turned 30–when my health went down the shitter and my Fibromyalgia showed up. Because when that happened, my then-CFS-to-me went into panic mode and attacked, returning as badly as my teen self once had it. It was only after one or two years of a lot of heartache, loneliness, and poor treatment from a close loved one who believed it was all in my head, that I stumbled upon the ME online community and the chronic/invisible illness online community (“spoonies”).

Only then did I realize that HOLY CRAP, I AM NOT ALONE! That realization was such a needed breath of air for me. It was the start of my journey to accepting that what I have is REAL.

None of the doctors I’ve had as an adult have ever heard of ME (though they all have heard of the dreaded, “only-theorized” CFS). It’s one of the hardest things to deal with—being so chronically ill and having no support or validation in the medical community. It’s not fair.

But, thankfully, even though my current physician had never heard of it before me (I had to give her the terminology, symptoms, etc.), she did/does believe me. It’s the most I can hope for. She does what she can to help me relieve my symptoms, whether that be through referring me to pain specialists, PT, etc. or through drug trials (I think we change my medications routine every single time I meet with her). She actually has it in my chart that I suffer from this. She actually supports the diagnosis I received when I was 15–by a doctor who (and I thank the heavens for this) just so happened to be current on the new medical conditions/trends.

The ME online community is so fantastic. There is so much support, so much action being taken to normalize it and spread the word—to bust all myths and prove its validity. I couldn’t be more grateful for this. It has truly, in every sense of the word, saved me.

However, last night, while I was in bed and completely out of it, I saw a comment from a random person I don’t know, on a Fibromyalgia post…and it triggered me, I guess. She was saying things about ME that I had never heard, and was spreading (false) information about how it is being treated in the medical community now. It hit me hard, sunk my heart. Rather than question the things she said, and rely on my vast knowledge on the topic, I instantly believed her–someone who doesn’t even suffer from the disease–and then worse, I internalized it.

It was on my mind as I fell asleep last night, eating at my half-aware brain. So, with all the mental energy I could muster, I made a mental note (one that I hoped I wouldn’t forget) to do more research on it in the morning.

It was then with me as I woke today, and the misinformation left me feeling so heavy, and like such a fraud again. Like maybe–once again–I may have misdiagnosed myself all these years, and I was just simply wrong. I probably don’t even have ME, I thought. Because if this woman was right, it has now transformed into another, different disease, one of which would reject my symptoms.

Another failure, another false hope. Another visit to the mental place in which I loathe being: drowning in self-doubt and haunted by the completely crippling question of WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? And How did I miss these things all these years?

This lady’s words affected me so much that I was scared to do more research today, because I didn’t want her claims confirmed.

BUT, I can so happily say I have done the research, and instead, I am fulfilled and validated. All I did was read the official sites that I’ve already read many times. To see if there was something I missed. To see if there was some breakthrough finding in recent months (there wasn’t).

Long story short, the lady was very wrong, and I have been right (about my own disease) all these years. I wish I could remember what post it was on so I could go back and correct her—clear it up for anyone who might be reading it and doesn’t know much about the disease. And I just wish I could trust myself. My knowledge. My awareness and intuition. I know my diagnosis. And I hope this experience has taught me to trust it, rather than to listen to the demons of PTSD.

I guess my entire point of this story, and this post, is to prove that I am finally, after all these years, able to say to the world, without a doubt, “I have a disease.” It’s invisible, but it’s a disease. It’s a baby in the medical community—new, lacking lots of answers/research, and still unknown to many, if not most, American doctors.

But. It’s. Still. A. Disease.

I will probably never know the why’s and the how’s, and if it can ever be cured or managed; we are still miles away from that in research, even with their great progression. Those answers will most likely not come in my lifetime. And that sucks, so much.

But I’m just grateful to finally have a name for it. A little validation and recognition. Confirmation that it’s not all in my head. And I’m grateful that for sufferers in the future, they most likely won’t have to experience the challenge that we–current ME sufferers–have.

So, though this is a little late: I’m Jennie, and I have a disease called ME.

***

Want to know more about ME? Visit the following site:

https://www.meaction.net/about/what-is-me/

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Freshly Painted Walls

Inhale the scent of freshly painted walls.

Exhale the tears.

Words and thoughts are stopped up inside, as though she has forgotten how to be. What is actually wrong? What causes this breathless sobbing, this hatred of self, this feeling that every ill is deserved?

The answer evades her, and the answer-less question pulls her under.

And quitting. It sounds nice.

More than nice. It’s something she years for, aches for. Quitting–she would take it in the form of death, or even just an accident. Like falling down the stairs or getting hit by a car. But the children?

She could never do that to them.

Therefore, suffering alone is her only option. The only option in which she gets what she deserves.

So continue crying in the bathroom, weak one–against the freshly painted wall. But be quiet, for the children might hear.

The Body Makers Test

“Ugh! This never works the way it’s supposed to!”

With a yank at the zipper and the sucking in of my belly, the part of the dress that would zip up, unzips. I exhale, releasing my gut—its voluminous, squishy mass relaxing and nearly doubling in size as it flops over the top edge of my underwear. I pull the dress over my head and rip it from my body, my hair getting caught in the angry zipper. I sweat as I try to free it.

“What never works like it’s supposed to?” my sister asks through the dressing room door. I almost forget she is there—she and everyone else in the store. The horror that is my unclothed body is protected by nothing but slanted, wooden slats. “The dress?” she continues. “I thought you said you’ve never tried that one on before.”

“Not the dress. My body.” I finally free my hair, not without sacrificing a broken, tangled wad of it to the Zipper Gods of Unkind Dresses. I wince as I toss the now-inverted dress onto the bench. Just another in the pile of many.

By now I’m sweating profusely, and after pushing back the strands of hair that stick to my face, I find beat-red cheeks and eyes that turned from defeated to enraged sometime within the past minute—probably at the same time the zipper turned from merely stubborn to full-blown hangry. I hope it’s happy with fine, stringy, dishwater-blond.

“Sorry,” my sister says during my measured huffing. “You know you can’t get a new one until you pass—”

“—All the courses,” I finish for her. “I know.”

“Look, this is just one dress. Just get through this one event, and then by the next time another bowtie event comes along, you’ll have aced all the tests and have that new body.”

I sit atop the mound of disregarded dresses, just as weak and exhausted as I am defeated and exasperated. “How am I supposed to ace those tests if I can’t even get through a single course?”

Her silhouette moves closer to the door. Her voice is quieter when she says, “You can only do what you can do. Like I’ve said before, you’re not alone. I’m sure you’re not the only one who hasn’t been able to see the Body Makers in a while because of their health.”

How is that supposed to make me feel better? Of course I’m not alone. Of course there are others like me. That doesn’t help me feel well again though. It doesn’t fix my illness or give me a free pass with the Body Makers.

But my sister will never get that. She will never get what it’s like to be trapped inside a gross body that betrayed her. She will never get what it’s like to know that if she could just pass a few tests, the Body Makers would have her fitted for a new, streamlined body in no time, but that because of the body’s shitty condition, passing said tests is impossible. And that it may be that way for the rest of her miserable life.

She will never know the unfairness of all of that.

I sigh, standing in the skin they gave me years ago, that will probably keep me prisoner until I die. “Give me the next size up,” I say through the door.

The Good, the Bad, and the Dirty of Electronic Communication

In our modern day and age, we live, thrive, and survive on electronic devices. As most adults of my generation or older, however, we know what life is like without electronic communication because we were raised in a time before they were commonplace. For some of us who fall under that category, there is the belief that we don’t need them because “back in my day, we got by just fine without them.”

But is that belief, or statement, true? Can we really get by just fine today without electronic communication?

No matter how supportive you are of electronic communication, you can admit that there are negative sides to it. For instance, personal family relationships can be strained. We all know about the family sitting at the dinner table in silence, the only sound being that of beeping or clicking phone screens or electronic devices. While I believe this can be harmful to personal and family relationships, I also believe that putting the blame on the devices themselves is counterproductive and naïve. Let’s put the blame back where it lies: with the people who don’t have enough discipline to put them down, or make their children put them down, during personal, critical moments. Set rules for yourself and your family.

We all know of the additional argument that electronic devices distract people, especially while driving, and cause harm. Someone walks into a pole while walking and texting. Someone crashes while driving and texting. We hear about this happening, so we know it’s an issue. But again, don’t blame the device. Blame the person.

One reason people see electronics as a problem is that people become dependent on them. Again, not the device’s fault. Let me shout it once more, for those in the back: IT IS NOT THE ELECTRONIC DEVICE’S FAULT.

Then there is the issue that people aren’t living in the here and now, because they’re always trapped in their devices. I have an opinion on this. My boyfriend and I went to Kauai, Hawaii last spring. It is breathtakingly gorgeous there, as you’d expect. One line of advice I got from someone before I went was to “unplug.” To be there, live in the moment, soak it up.

Well, for me, part of living it is documenting it. I have a horrible memory, especially since getting my chronic illnesses five years ago, and if we had not taken as many pictures as we did, there is no way I would have remembered every inch of that island we toured. We documented it, every last moment, so that we could go back later and relive it.

Another way electronic devices can be beneficial is the communication it allows us to have with people all across the world. Technology isn’t evil, contrary to the belief of some people I have known. Nor is social media. If it weren’t for social media, I never would have met other writers, I never would have met others with chronic illness, and I would never have landed my first publishing contract. I would have remained solitary. I would have continued thinking I was alone in this world, as a writer and a sufferer of chronic illness. My internet people—my support system—are the only way I made it through some very trying times a few years back.

Don’t ignore your family and friends in your immediate life. But it’s okay to spread your wings and meet other people from across the world—people like you, going through the same things as you.

On that note, I would also argue that social media and electronic communication is great for keeping in touch with those family and friends in your immediate life, too. For someone like me—an introvert who is deathly afraid of talking on the phone—social media and texting has been the best thing for keeping family relationships alive. Especially when you live states away from those people.

And speaking of being deathly afraid of the phone, I have to praise the convenience of texting. I mean it when I say afraid. My social anxiety is at maximum levels when having to speak on the phone with someone. Put me in front of a crowded room and make me give a lecture, but don’t make me talk on the phone (and that says a lot for me, given that I’d rather eat bees than give a lecture). I get shaky, I get palpitations. I sweat. I can’t focus. I’m telling you: texting was the best invention. So next time you decide to dog someone for preferring to text over call, or you think it’s too impersonal, remember that there are people with serious anxiety disorders that prevent them from calmly being able to tackle the same everyday things you can do.

By now you probably know what my conclusion is on this subject. I think it’s impossible to be in this world we live now days without relying on electronic devices. It’s the modern time we’re living in. I’m not saying I think everyone should give in and buy that tablet or iPhone. I’m just saying to stop griping about the people who do use them. If you want to be a part of this world we live in, and you want to succeed, electronic devices are necessary.

Be responsible, of course. That goes without saying. You have control over how often you use the device, when you use it, and how dependent you become on it. Enjoy what technology has given us. Connect with people. But be smart.

Stop Selfie Shaming

Yes, I’m writing a blog post about selfies. This is more of a rant than anything else, but it’s something I feel I had to say. Selfies have such a negative rap, and I want to change that. Why? Because—and repeat after me—selfies are harmless.

I know! I couldn’t believe it either. But it’s true. Guess what? It’s okay to show the world your beautiful face!

Someone I follow on social media posted a selfie the other day and prefaced it with, “I don’t normally post selfies because I’m not self-absorbed, but…” and I wanted to scream. Not only is that an unhealthy way of thinking, but that is so insulting to the people who do post selfies on a regular basis. You’re calling them out, calling them self-absorbed, when—reality check—most people who post selfies are actually quite opposite of self-absorbed.

Again, I know. I couldn’t believe that either. And I have a deeper opinion on why and who has this unhealthy way of thinking, but I’m not going to get into that.

I know, for myself, I have always struggled with self-image. Always, from the time I was a child, I never felt my physical appearance was good enough, for one reason or another. Long story short, later in life, I discovered that I have what is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I have always loathed my physical appearance, from my ears down to my feet.

And what did I loathe worse than my physical appearance? Pictures of me taken by other people. I always loved being the one behind the camera, the one taking all the pictures. So, usually, that was my job. Which meant that I was rarely in the pictures. I was okay with that, but what I was not okay with was looking back through old photos and seeing the ones I was in, and wanting to set everything on fire, including myself.

Let me tell you, I am not a photogenic person. No matter what, every person who has ever taken a picture of me has always managed to get a bad angle, a bad smile, catch me in the middle of an awkward expression, etc.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized I could take a picture of myself, and I could control the angle. I can still have pictures of myself, to document different stages of my life, without wanting to set everything on fire.

It was quite a liberating experience. I imagine it is for many people, not just those who suffer from BDD or similar issues, but for your average, run-of-the-mill person.

I take selfies because I don’t think there is anything wrong with finally showing the world who I am. I take selfies because I want to feel empowered. I take selfies because pictures of me with bad angles make me want to—you guessed it—set everything on fire. And I don’t like feeling that way.

Who says we need to keep our faces behind the camera? Who says we need to hate ourselves? I’ll tell you who: the people who think selfies are self-absorbed, gratuitous, and wrong. How about instead of looking down on people who post selfies, accept that that person is probably really struggling with their self-image and it took a lot for them to show the world. Or maybe that person isn’t struggling with their self-image at all. Maybe they just want to show the world who they are.

Guess what? THAT. IS. OKAY.

Time to drop the archaic way of thinking and accept that we, as human beings, are all unique and beautiful individuals, and some of us want to show that to the world. I, for one, love selfies. Keep posting them, people. Keep showing the world who you are and stop being ashamed of it.

Unused Prologue: THE GIRL MADE OF GOLD

After much consideration, and feedback from others, I have decided not to include the prologue in my work in progress, THE GIRL MADE OF GOLD. I love this prologue, despite it being unnecessary for the story, and I’ve been having a hard time letting it go. So, I am posting it here, where it will live forever in the internet:

 

I was fourteen the first time he appeared in my room.

For a long time, I thought I was insane. It was the only way to explain what was happening. I’d read stories about madness, about people seeing things that weren’t there—visions, apparitions, ghosts, even alternate realities. Take one of my favorites, Don Quixote, for example. Take Hamlet, take Wuthering Heights. Perhaps I was just as mad as the characters in my books.

I was dusting those books on the night he first materialized. I hummed to myself, taking my time as I reached on my tip-toes and dusted the top of my bookshelf. I often did that—took my time—with everything I did. I didn’t have anywhere else to be, since I was trapped here, so the longer it took me to accomplish my tasks, the less time I had to spend wistfully daydreaming of the outside world.

In an instant, the air changed around me, and I stopped. I was used to the feel of the air in my tower, used to the way it felt when I was alone versus when Mother was here. And in that moment I sensed it, sensed an extra body behind me, breathing in my oxygen. But it wasn’t Mother. I knew what her presence felt like. This was something foreign.

Slowly, I lowered myself so my feet were flat on the ground again. Even more slowly, I turned, my heart reverberating inside my chest, and I attempted a raw swallow. When I saw him, my heart felt to stop altogether, and I froze in place. A handsome ghost, with incredibly green, wide-set eyes stared back at me, his mouth hanging open. He appeared almost as frightened as I was. A strange breeze entered the room, from where I don’t know, and not only made the candlelight dance but played with the ghost’s brown hair. His defined jaw clenched when he closed his mouth, and his Adam’s apple bounced up his neck as he swallowed.

A pounding on the shutters startled my eyes away from the boy and they shot to the window. The breeze turned into a wind, blowing out some of the candles, and I had never been more grateful for Mother’s presence at the window. But when I looked back in the place the boy had stood, it was empty. He was gone. The ghost had vanished.

Mother opened the shutters after her boisterous thud, and after one more large, mysterious gust, the wind vanished as well. When Mother climbed in through the window and stood before me, opening her arms wide for me, I found myself shaking.

“Rosemary,” she said, her arms falling. Her black eyes studied me quizzically. “Darling, are you all right? You’re pale!”

I ran to her, frightened as ever, and told her of my handsome ghost. My handsome ghost wearing the strangest clothing I’d never seen. Mother was angry, and she paced my room for a lengthy time. Eventually, she told me that if he ever came back, I was to fight. He was after me, she decided, just like the rest of the world.

Only, he never came back.

Not until two years later, when I did just as Mother commanded: knocked him unconscious.

Colorado Gold Nuggets

Attending Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers‘ Colorado Gold conference this past weekend was the best thing my writer self could have done. It was my first writing conference ever, and in my opinion, the best one for breaking into the world of writing conferences. I met lots of great people, learned at the feet of many experts, and left there feeling more pumped than ever to get to work.

I took pages and pages of notes while in the workshops, lectures, and panels, and I wanted to share just some of the nuggets I gathered. Even if they were things I’d heard before, it’s always nice to be reminded. Aside from learning how my characters scored on the Myers-Briggs test (Ian is an ISFJ), I also took in the following:

• There’s a difference to tension and suspense.
  • Tension is a conflict or obstacle. It belongs on every page and in every genre. It can be external or internal. Overt or subtle. In action or dialogue. It should be visceral, and drawn out like foreplay.
  • Suspense is uncertainty. It creates questions and doesn’t answer them immediately–questions like Why, What, Who, When, Where, and How?
• “Don’t tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass.” -Anton Chekhov
• Showing vs. telling: don’t tell the reader how to feel! Telling:
  • is intellectualized rather than visceral (here’s that word again).
  • is general or vague, rather than specific.
  • is broad rather than granular.
  • is abstract rather than visual.
  • makes conclusions, rather than leading the reader to them.
• Every single scene and line should move your story forward.
• Point of View is the vehicle on which the reader rides into the story.
• Write beyond the trope of Strong Female Characters. Women don’t have to use weapons to be strong, and they can still kick ass while loving girly things or being girly themselves.
• Torture the ones you love–that is, torture your characters! The greater pressure you put on your character, the greater the true character shows.
• “Good fiction can be defined with five Cs: convincing characters caught in compelling conflict.” -Brandilyn Collins
• Great stories have both a compelling climax and a devastating black moment.
• Plot is what happens, and story is why it matters.
• There’s a difference between an antagonist and a villain.
• An “identity” is the role your character plays, and the “essence” is who they really are. The purpose of the plot is to showcase events in a compelling way that carries a character from “identity” to “essence.”
• External and internal stories can, and should, happen at the same time.
• Convincing characters have fears!
• Convincing characters want something they can’t easily have.
• Make sure your characters extend beyond the page.
• Keep your details relevant.
• Poetic techniques, like kennings, alliterations, rhymes, and meters, can add to your story. Let the rhyme and meter of your sentences reflect on the mood.
• Have a great sense of humor when writing!
• Omit dialogue tags whenever possible.
• Less is more with info dumping (duh!).
• A scene should always develop the plot and/or character.
• Your POV character should always have gained either knowledge, skills, or resources by the end of a scene.
• Conflict and tension are rooted in the character’s struggle to either gain or cede the upper hand.
• Filler and POV filters are the blubber and gristle in your story. Instead develop the muscle and sinew!
• Don’t think of sentences as bricks–walls keep readers out!
• Scenes are vital structures where all the components come together: character, plot, and theme.

And lastly, I’ll leave you with this: “Style is a very simple matter; it is all rhythm. Once you get that, you can’t use the wrong words. But on the other hand here am I sitting after half the morning, crammed with ideas, and visions, and so on, and can’t dislodge them, for lack of the right rhythm. Now this is very profound, what rhythm is, and goes far deeper than any words. A sight, an emotion, creates this wave in the mind, long before it makes words to fit it.” —Virginia Woolf

Thirteen

I let my mind drift, let the sound of beeping monitors and bustling nurses fade into the background. I’ve always been good at escaping. Mentally, anyway.

There was a time I tried escaping physically, too, when mental escape wasn’t enough. It was a night not so long ago, the night before I could officially call myself a teen, and I told myself that thirteen was young.

Thirteen was strong.

And maybe, I thought, if I could make it home, Jess wouldn’t have to spend our birthday at the hospital.

By the time I ripped the tubes from my nose and the I.V. from the back of my hand, the nurses had me surrounded, reminding me that age meant nothing. Not to my fatigued muscles and not to my fragile bones, strong and vibrant only eight months before.

Jess stayed by my side the entire day following, celebrating my newfound teenage-hood with the very nurses who kept me prisoner. I hate her guilt. I hate the way it makes her decisions. For as long as I can remember, Jess and I have celebrated our birthdays together, since I was born on her third. But I begged her not to that time. It was her sixteenth, and I begged her to spend it the way a teenage girl should.

But as usual, Jess never left my side. Instead of boys, music, and dancing, were tears, infection, and a catheter.

Instead of trendy clothes were hats, and even a mildly attractive wig.

I stare out the blackened hospital window now, unable to sleep. I take my thoughts elsewhere, somewhere far away and safe.  Somewhere where I am healthy and strong. In that place, I’m not poor, brave Haley, but beautiful, powerful Haley.

I draw my finger along the scar that stretches from the middle of my ribcage to just above my belly button, where it splits and continues down both sides of my abdomen—branding my stomach with the most horrific, twelve-inch upside-down Y. The raised skin is still sensitive, even raw in places, but I imagine it smooth, imagine that I wasn’t just opened like a lily six months ago.

I feel my hand over my silky head and imagine hair, too, imagine braids and ponytails and the annoyance I would feel when the wind blows it in my eyes. I would give anything to feel that annoyance again.

I feel a draft against my uneven skull instead.

It used to be red, my hair. Fiery and full of light, as Mom used to say. And once upon a time, my freckles (which seem so out of place now) matched.

My eyes burn and I set my jaw against the quivering.

I’m supposed to be strong. The strong, young cancer patient, smiling to give her mother the same hope she faked herself.

But Mom is gone and the nurses cackle outside my cracked door as though life isn’t slipping away in the rooms around them. For the first time in months, I’m alone—really and truly alone. And my solitude frees me.

I leave my bravery on the rolling tray table, along with the pudding I never touch, and let the tears spill. Tonight, I just want to be pretty again.

I want to dance like I used to, like gravity isn’t my worst enemy.

I want my first kiss, and though I know it’ll never happen, I imagine the way it would feel to have a boy’s lips against mine. Maybe Mark’s, the boy whose name decorates last year’s hot pink binder.

My solitude is interrupted when Mom enters the room, catching me in the middle of a breathless, teary gulp. She sees the tears drenching my cheeks and drops her purse at the door, rushing to me. For the briefest instant, I regret everything, because Mom could always cry at the drop of a hat, and usually I can soothe her.

But I’m still weak from leaving my strength on the tray table, and all I can do is cry the way Mom usually does.

Something strange happens when her arms encircle me. I feel something I don’t understand, coming from deep within and swelling in my chest. Then a warmth, the very warmth I’ve been fighting against. It too enters my soul, and my weeps drain me.

I don’t want to be alone, I realize, never again. But I’m not, because for the first time since the diagnosis, I absorb comfort from the same arms that rocked me as a young child, the arms to which I used to run, and the arms I’ve only recently rejected. These arms, warm and soft and smelling like childhood, give me something I can no longer give everyone else. They give me what I lacked all along and what I realize I’ve always wanted.

Thoughts of dancing again, maybe with her; thoughts of running and thoughts of hair, so long it tangles; thoughts of laughter and a body that knows no bounds.

The arms of my mother give me hope.

***

This is a piece I wrote about four years ago–a piece inspired by my little sister and her experience with battling liver cancer at age thirteen.

You Asked Me Anything…

Last week I told you to ask me anything, with the chance to win a $10 Amazon gift card, and I got exactly twenty questions! Well, here’s where I answer them. Read through (or don’t), and at the bottom I will announce the winner of the drawing! The questions were great, and thank you to all who participated. I wanted it to be quirky and off-the-wall, and though they were definitely that, there was also some great thoughtful ones. It was a fun experience! So, without further ado…

What is the date of a moment in your past you’d love to go back and relive again (but don’t tell us why)? It’s hard to pick just one, but July 30, 2015–the day I met Ryan, as well as three other amazing friends.

How much money is in the crock of gold at the end of the rainbow? Money? That crock is empty, so I would find another source of income.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich: yea or nay? Yea! In fact, when Alex asked me this question on Twitter, I ran to the kitchen and made myself one.

How much time do you spend on Twitter? This one made me laugh because, really, when am I not on Twitter? In all seriousness though, for all its downsides, Twitter has introduced me to some of my best friends and it’s a great place for the writing community–in my experience. It saved my life in a very dark time, and it’s how I found my first publishing contract (a pitch contest). So though I don’t know exactly how much time I spend on it (I don’t keep count), I have mad appreciation for it.

When you write: silence or music? If music, what kind? Why, to whichever you choose? I find it goes both ways and it depends on what I’m writing. Am I editing at the time, or actually writing? Am I in a crowded place, or at home in silence? When I do listen to music while writing/editing, it’s always instrumental. I find movie scores to be my favorite background noise to writing, if there is going to be any noise or music at all. And though this isn’t music necessarily, I have even written to the fantastic sounds of a forest (if you have Google Home, ask, “Okay, Google–what sound does a forest make?”). If I’m being honest though, mostly, I write to silence, and I find that the best. The reason is I get very easily distracted, especially in recent years with my illness and brain fog. Silence keeps me focused.

“What shall we do with the drunken sailor?” (with a link to this YouTube video) Well, shave his belly with a rusty razor, of course.

If your life was a movie, who would you cast as the major players? I would say ScarJo for myself, but she would play a better me than I can (and look a better one, too).

What is your favorite faery tale? Beauty and the Beast, hands down.

If you could go back and have any meal over again, what would it be? My mom’s teriyaki chicken, back during a time when everything with my family was fun and innocent.

Anime? If yes, which is your favorite? If no, consider Miyazaki’s works. Unpopular opinion: I never got into anime, so I can’t say I have a favorite (because I haven’t seen much). I also haven’t seen any of Miyazaki’s works. *waits to get hit with rotten tomatoes*

What’s a random skillset most people wouldn’t know about you? This one was really hard for me to come up with, because I feel like I don’t really have any random skillsets. I feel like I don’t really excel at anything (cue my self-depreciating side). I had to step away from this one and think about it for a while. What I came up with is this: empathy might not be a skillset, but I do excel at it. In fact, I might excel too much at it. Sometimes, it’s hard not to get bogged down by all the emotions of those around me, or those I love who are struggling. But it has helped me be a better mother, partner, daughter, sister, and friend.

Cake or pie? Now we’re talking. Do I have to choose? I mean, they’re both great. BUT…if I was forced to choose, I would say cake.

If you could forget one experience so you could enjoy it again for the first time, what would it be and why? This is so hard to answer, because there are so many things. But the one I’m going to go with is being published for the first time. It happened in a slightly weird way and didn’t quite go the way I had hoped (that’s not to say it wasn’t a great experience), but I would love to experience a debut book again for the first time.

What book do you wish you could read for the first time again? The Passage, by Justin Cronin.

Exactly HOW MUCH wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could transform into a ten-foot robotic humanoid with a strength equal to fifty-three Hulk Hogans and hands the size of your average moose antler? Well, I would assume that in this situation, he would be able to chuck quite a bit of wood. Maybe even all the wood.

Who would win in a fight: passive-aggressive Rambo, or Gaston that actually learned empathy? Sorry, Gaston, but I think passive-aggressive Rambo would kick your ass.

What is your favorite 80’s movie? Breakfast Club

Have you ever fallen in love with someone online? Um, yes–with all of you!

Think of a classic/acclaimed book. What do you dislike about it? Okay, I’ll pick The Giver. I actually really liked this book, despite its ambiguous ending (maybe even because of that ending). But one thing I felt was lacking were the details. Its message is transparent and it almost reads more like a short story, where some things happen and just are, for no other reason than to move the plot forward. I love the message of it, but I wish there would have been more substance to it.

Is Batman a superhero? What qualifies a superhero, though? If you’re looking at the strict definition of a superhero (“a fictional hero having extraordinary or superhuman powers”), then no, Batman is not a superhero. Does he do super things and have a lot of money and cool toys with which to do the super things? Yes. But…no. He is not a technical superhero. *waits again for rotten tomatoes*

That’s it for the questions! Thanks for reading, and thanks again to everyone who participated! Last but not least: the winner of the $10 Amazon gift card is…*drum roll*… Cory Tucholski, from Twitter!

Calling all Questions

Hey, everyone! For my next blog post, I want to do an AMA…with benefits!

Do you have writer or book questions you’ve always wanted to ask? Questions about the writing process? Personal questions? Even off-the-wall creative questions? Ask away and you could win a $10 Amazon gift card!

When I say AMA (ask me anything), I mean it: anything! No question, no matter how personal, is off limits.

At the end of the week, I will do a drawing of all the participants (those who asked me questions), and one winner will get a $10 Amazon gift card from me–hooray!

So, send me your questions, either in the comments on this post, on Twitter, on Facebook, or email me at jennie@jennieritz.com!